Saturday, October 22, 2011

emotions & walkabouts

There are so many emotions that you wrestle with when your on the brink of an adventure like mine. 
In all the travelling I've done by myself (starting when I was just 12) or with one other person, I never really missed home, or was sad to be leaving. Of course, those trips would never last longer than 3 months, but all the same, I think of that as an unusual reaction for someone as young as I was.
Right now though, there is the crazy mix of emotions that I'm feeling. Priority of course, is pure excitement! But its also a bit heartbreaking. Now, when I am surrounded by a great church community, amazingly unbelievably awesome friends, and my family as well... its so hard to think about leaving them. Especially since only in this past year have all these wonderful things come together in my life to form this melting-pot of amazingness. What is up with the timing here?! 

In mid-summer, I had decided I wanted to take another two high schools so that come November, I could apply to university. Well that, is no longer happening. I really feel God putting it on my heart to really be here, while I'm here. Frankly, it seems a bit cruel. Why would I want to become more attached to the people that I have to leave? Maybe I am just cold-hearted and self-protective, but would you not be trying to do the opposite? Maybe not to the extreme of cutting yourself off from people, but to be taking the time to surround myself with people that I feel like I am about to lose? That is so tragic. In the past, I would prepare myself to leave, through gradually detaching myself from people...

Maybe that's the real lesson God is giving me. That I don't need to detach in order to feel secure anymore. Deep, I know. 
When it comes down to it though, I am sad. I'm sad to be leaving my best friends. I'm sad to be leaving my church. I'm sad to be leaving my family. And I'm even sad to be leaving my room behind (its really pretty). 
Ultimately though, I do believe that this is all part of a process, and a bigger picture. I think God is teaching me not to disconnect, because he wants me to have a network of people, a home-base, that has my back and has me in their prayers. He is also preparing me for the bigger calling that he has on my life. 
There's traditions in many different cultures surrounding the coming of age. Its basically a time when youth go out on their own into the forest, the outback, or what-have-you and survive on their own until their destiny or calling is made known to them. They then return to their home, or continue on their journey, and fulfill that calling. Its really quite poetic. 
I feel like I'm on mine... or about to be at least. 
Its like I need to sever the ties I have here, and completely remove myself from all that is familiar from the life I have grown up in. Go do my inner-healing, my god-learning, and my out-reaching time, and then return, or continue on, with the destiny that God wants to reveal to me. 
Its a lot, but he's going to help me sort it all out... because he's already done that for me! Its just a matter of having my ears open, and listening for when he reveals what he wants, when he wants too. And that's not him "playing god" (though I know he is, and he is well aware of the fact) .. its him protecting me from the overload I would be bound to experience, if he revealed all the ins and outs of my life's story before its time.  I don't even want to know all the details yet, cause really, where's the fun in that? 

Well, enough of my midnight ramblings, goodnight!

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